today marks my one year and two month long service in the nation. something i should be proud of, that i can actually survive this long in a place where everything is bound to rules and regulations.. where everyone fights for his/her own meat and no one cares whether you die or not, just whether their ass is covered. you could argue that this is the world, but i beg to differ. in a way, it is, but it's an exaggerated version of what the outside world would be... including the ridiculously low pay and all.

to celebrate my anniversary, i went to have another piercing. well, nothing great... but i removed it soon after. the naggin pain at the cartelage of my ear was giving me a headache. but at least i know i'm still human and i know that i can still feel pain. i guess i just needed to know that. to inflict pain on myself. a sadomasochistic act i agree, but sometimes we all need to find out some things that we have all once forgotten.

ironic isn't it? how much of machine (creatively and emotionally) i wanted to be, and how much human (physically) i wanted to be. i'm being dealt the exact opposite in the army. minus the creative part. there's no room for creativity unless you're one of the higher ranks. which of course, is unattainable unless you sign a bond with the military. madness.

and still i continue to fight. to test the system, and i think i'll continue to do that until i'm out of this hell hole. and then once again, i'll go wild. like a kid lost in a candy store. because once again, my freedom is handed back to me. and i'm off to create what i was set out to be. it also means that this blog has another year of shelf-life. well, i can't be too sure about that. i hope my sanity holds out, i hope i can come out clean on the other side. and i hope freedom is as sweet as it has been in my dreams.

i hope.