i'm beginning to feel the box closing down on me. hell yeah.. slipping. slowly but surely. away from my own sanity. there's just so much to do, but all i want to do is just sit and watch the world past me by. it's that time of the year again. that time when you start remembering everything you've done throughout the entire year. everything else that has happened. and for me.. i guess, the year before, and before that etc. i don't exactly have the best of memories.. so it seems that my brain just registers the bad things. screwed innit?

with just few more months to go.. 8 to be exact. my term will come to end. finally. so close yet so far. there's just too many things to look forward to next year. i'm so excited. and why am i writing this now? i don't know.. i guess i just can't hold my thoughts properly. not now. not after that lethal dose of peach tea vodka (which sucked) and thanks to fumbling hands.. it looks like brandy by the way. oh well.. next cup. this time, 7-up ice.

i wish for better days. i guess i'm just thinking too much of things that bug me all too often. i'm so tired. i need to lay my head.. somewhere somehow.

die cockroach die!

did i mention that i chanced upon an excellent cd? well.. 2 actually. both soundtracks. and i'm blown away. by both. hell yeah.. one done by massive attack. danny the dog, the movie is. i never watched it, but i've always wanted to cd cause of it's interesting cover. lame innit? but it turned out good anyways. atmospheric. ambient. disturbing. with a tinge of trippy hoppy. it's massive attack! and the next.. it's a soundtrack to a chinese movie called 2046. i'm sure you've seen its posters around some time ago. the soundtrack done by shigeru umebayashi. some jap dude assumingly. this soundtrack almost made me cry. it feels so much. yeah.. it's all about feeling. and more feeling. and the song in there by secret garden... adagio. i don't know. i'm almost close to tears already. why? it reminds me of better days. it reminds me of the days when the sun still shone with its usual brilliance. when the skies were a darker blue and rain didn't fall like tears. the days of innocence. not that i long for them, neither am i a rich supporter of the whole 'ignorance is bliss' nonsense. but somehow, those days seem somewhat better in their own twisted way. it reminds me of 'bright eyes' in some way. and yeah.. that song holds meaning to my heart. don't ask. i don't remember. all i can remember is the green pastures. the bright flowers. the deep blue sky. my parents smiling from a distance. those days don't come anymore... i guess i've lost it. that 'special thing'. that childhood innocence.

yes. perhaps it's time to navigate away from all of that. all that i'm stuck with now is an eternal struggle for success. or in one simple phrase: the rat race. cruel, lethal, unforgiving. excellent innit? somehow, in a twisted sadomasochistic way.. i love it.

why doesn't anyone love me?

no. i'm not a depressed little boy. no i'm screaming for attention. i'm just.. disorientated.

i love listening to old songs every now and then. makes you feel good. loaded with memories from that era. from the time you started listening to that track until the day you forget it and move on to the next. i guess that's how i remember certain occasions and events. sad?

right now, it's dirty epic, born slippy, pearl's girl. all by underworld. ahh.. sweet sweet 16. is it? i guess so. can't remember exactly how old. age... it slips through your fingers just like sand. just like time. and everything before that.

forgive my thoughts. they don't connect in any way whatsoever. firing from every direction. fireflies in the wind.

take my kingdom. leave my people alone.

what? yes. i'm curbing my swearing. so don't give me a hard time about it. shaken. never stirred. like that of a magarita. eh?

running. running. running. of to my bed i will run. so will my thoughts from me. the prize and trophy in front, but none i can see. the electricity, and the light blinds my eyes. won't you embrace me? hold me tight and never let me go, because i'll never. oh? what? i'm sorry, i didn't know. you never liked me did you? well.. i don't know what else will see through. stuck in my five one five-s, seeing lives flashing before me. and i know somehow, something within me dies. i'm dying to see you. but i will not be confused. my thoughts that stay true to their master. one more before the night ends. listen to your heart they said. my head just like a satellite. how am i to sleep before this night is done? it's long. it's poking at my inner sanctum. ripping apart whatever that's left of my frail.. what? sanity i suppose. nothing seems bright in here... and yet, the light burns my eyes. one more. just one more. tell me you love me and i'll tell you i love you too. look up at the stars and let's cry tonight. my love. we're connected. because we're in this together.