things fall apart. yes, i guess i know that now. should've taken trent's advice. haha! well.. i guess everything will fall apart, and the conclusion will have to be that i'm left with nothing but a wreck to clean up the mess. put the pieces back together. mend the broken mirror. piece the jigsaw puzzle back.

...but why me? i'm sick of doing that. perhaps it's better to leave it undone. leave it broken on the floor. leave it all behind. just keep on charging forward. keep fucking things up. to screw up my entire life. after all, why does it matter?

i guess the only person that really cares about me is me. and it probably will apply to every single one of us. why? because everyone else is just too self-absorbed to actually care. if i've learnt one single universal truth about everything, it'll be that not one single person cares about the vanquished. no one. everyone congratulates the victor. not the vanquished. the loser will be left to walk away.. alone towards the dying sun. nothing to his name but a lost dignity, and one big broken heart. but who's going to comfort him? no one. just him. and his thoughts, his mind. ...and perhaps the wind and the empty night sky.

perhaps it is true. perhaps.

there's no other way to find out other than right now.

i so need to cry. i need to tear at least. to know that i'm still human. that i'm still alive. that i still feel pain. but i cannot. i tried, gave up. tried, gave up. maybe i'll try again later.

and right now, just like 'endless skies', i find myself staring at the endless sky. deep, dark and brooding. melancholic to be exact. and what do i find? nothing. perhaps an occasional passing aeroplane.. with it's blinking lights. memories they sure do torture me.

perhaps it's one of those collective things ya know? like.. everything just closes in on you and all you need to do is scream out. to break free. because everything else is just pushing you against the wall. has the box closed? no. i don't think so. when i'm being overwhelmed, finally.. i'll probably take that jump... ...and watch the ground rush up to me. the wind in my hair. and of course, the final happy tree friends 'splat!' that will continue soon after. just another statistic for the local press. just another page of the newspaper.

who am i? where i am going? i don't know. i guess not many of us know where we're actually heading toward. plummeting full force into the unknown. only the lucky few will actually discover. but those.. are the lucky ones. i'm not so fortunate. too bad for me. i can't see the end of the road. i want to.

i need to see that goal. maybe it's just me.

how many years?

i guess.. ..i'm just too dependent. i grow attached to things way to easily.. and i don't know if it's a good thing, but it sure ain't helping me now.

tommorrow's a brand new day. help me god.