The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
-5:32 AM
Listening: Lacuna Coil - To Myself I Turned
the past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of events. so much of ups and downs that right now, as i sit here typing this @ 0529hrs, i feel myself turning numb. tired, but i can't sleep, too awake to go to sleep. some might argue that it is the caffeine that i constantly pump into my body, whether it is needed or not. and maybe it is, that very drug that's running through my veins right fucking now. perhaps more than one drug.
tapestry went well. better than expected. or perhaps worse. i hoped for better, but it was good. for the briefest of moments, i felt that maybe this is the very road i want to walk - the road to a superstar dj. along with the likes of armin van buuren, tiesto, system f etc. i failed to realize then, that this particular road, long and ardous as it already is, is paved with many others waiting to bring you down and subsequently kill you. like the rat-race, only the strongest will survive, but this is survival of the highest order, and it seems even harder to penetrate than that of the normal media (composers, scores, filmmakers etc.) the circle is closed tighter than a virgin vagina. i have to reconsider my options, not much to begin with, but some nonetheless. is my music really good enough? i'm starting to have my doubts. sure, i've walked along orchard road on sunday to observe just some performances, and i realize also, that for someone that was doing his first show, i did pretty well. at least there were people standing there watching (minus all my friends of course), for most bands, people just walked past them without even bothering. and who am i to complaint? i actually had someone (i don't know at all) come up to me after my slot, shaking my hand and telling me i played a smashing set and to quote from him - 'see you in the states'. i was in shock and awe, naturally. and yes, i was elevated from my mediocre position then as 'just-another-dj' to actually someone with a purpose. as the days pass, i begin to feel and understand the 'big-come-down' which in my opinion is much worse than coming off from a high, alcohol or otherwise. it's like from the top, you're suddenly relegated to the chores of daily life, which of course, isn't that bad afterall IF YOU ACTUALLY KEEP @ IT AND NOT THINK ABOUT BEING SOMEONE FAMOUS. i guess whatever i'm feeling now is probably what most people would feel, but then again, i'm just second guessing. i wouldn't know. never did, never will. i hope to keep my goal and perspectives clear. somehow, i hope to find the strength.
0544hours
Listening: Metallica - Turn the Page
apart from tapestry, there were many other interesting turn of events that actually made me thank god (yes, god) that i'm actually single and not attached. i swear, the horrors i've seen over the course of the past few days have left me more cynical about relationships and well.. the female population in general. i just hope for the sake of mankind that somehow there'll be more women out there that are more... decent. and i'm not talking sexuality here.
specimen 1:
imagine a girl.. 20 yrs of age reaching the golden age of 21, not thinking about working, instead.. she's trying to get a prospective 'husband'. worrying more about whether he'll be able to provide for whatever 'family' she wants to have, whether he'll be able to give her a good life.. instead of worrying about her career and future as a singular person. she believes in fate, in love-at-first-sight, in 'true love', and although i'm not dissing any of these beliefs of hers.. at least you've gotta fucking work for it no? you can't sit back and hope that heaven above drops the 'perfect guy' for you yes? but hey! look here! that's not all she wants.. the guy's gotta be rich (and previously mentioned by her more than 5 over times but she claims she ain't materialistic), the guy's gotta be good-looking (and i haven't even got to the part where we're talking about how she looks), and he's gotta be loyal. ok fine, i agree with the last part, but look here little missy, don't you think you're asking a little too much? flexibility is the word here and you're not even of model standards. but then again, MOST GUYS IN SINGAPORE ARE FUCKING BLIND. i'm sure somehow you might just agree even though you're reading this post and shaking your head.
specimen 2:
this one's ridiculous. she makes the first girl look an angel, i swear. she's probably about the same age.. i couldn't be fucked to ask, and looks a little better physically. (I SAID A LITTLE) but here's the catch - she's one of those university graduates with air in their heads and thinks that they're god's chosen people. she's the sort that thinks she's high and almighty, and all guys should bow down @ her feet. nothing useful ever comes out of her mouth, 'cept probably useless nothings about shopping, how her hair looks and feels today, how many fucking pimples are there on her face etc. and to top it all off, she's catholic. god! i thought catholics were nice people. better than christians at the very least. she sure brought down the name of 'catholics' in general to the lowest levels. oh and did i fail to mention that she spares no thought for others? oh yes, she does. not even for her good friend. so to sum it all up - a stuckup, airhead, uni-graduate, catholic girl with a face that'll make mark lee's face look porcelein.
seriously? you probably won't feel it as bad as i did, but to meet them personally is quite a feat.
the others, 2 more, is probably not as bad as the two mentioned above and i'm already gettin' lazy @ typing so i'll omit them. but if i had to make a statement here, it'll be that if those 4 are the last remaining females on earth and it was up to me to restart the human population, i'd just jump off my roof. either ways, i think i'll be staying singular for a really long while, which quite frankly (even if you think i'm just trying to console myself), isn't really as bad.
0610hrs
Listening: Nine Inch Nails - The Hand that Feeds
also, through the course of the weeks that past, i've witnessed first hand - liars and backstabbers @ their very best. and note this, they all used to be good friends. like.. real pals, buddies and stuff. these people, irresponsible and incorrigible (i think it's spelt right), are probably the worst kind of people i've seen so far. i don't know what to say about them, but there's one word to describe how i'm feeling towards them - DISGUST. and for the lack of sympathy, i'd like to add that i'd love to watch them slowly swim in their own mire and probably drown and slowly die off. they'd, of course, call out for help, but trust me.. i can't give 2 fucks about it anymore.
just too fucking bad for them.
this world is a bad place. and it probably couldn't get any worse than i think it can. but it probably might.
