The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Monday, August 14, 2006
-3:04 AM
listening: starship - we built this city on rock and roll
so yeah here i am, at it again. and yes, once again i'm remembering the past once more. hey! who can stop remembering the past when you're listening to oldies? haha! and i know this song was nominated for
one of the worst lyrics of all time but oh well. who gives a shit.. it sounds good!
i visited a blog that was once updated, now closed, that belonged to one of my ex-girlfriends. and it sure hurt like hell when i saw what she 'penned' down on that now-defunct website. it was last updated in 2002. go figure. it reads - 'ever felt like you're hanging in the air with no clue, whatsoever about what to do or say or think or feel? you're not alone. i feel it too. a month since i broke off with my boyfriend, someone i still truly love.' yeah of course it hurts. why? because the best part was that i was too insensative to even know about it. and hurt as much as it does, i actually like remembering the past. why? maybe because i'm one of those sado-masochistic fools that like to hurt myself, emotionally, physically? perhaps. but these things also serves as a reminder to me about the mistakes i've done in the past and i should never, never make them.. ever again. and i won't deny though. i'd wish her back, sometimes. but it's never gonna happen for sure. so what the fuck... why am i even ranting about it.
listening: righteous brothers - you've lost that loving feeling
sigh. the project's coming to an end pretty soon. and with it, goes the 'crunch time' adrenaline i get everytime i'm on something. anything at all, a project, a movie, a video, a new music piece etc. to be honest, i'm kinda addicted to it. it's like a drug, i swear. the 'busy' feeling, and the feeling of getting pushed to the limit even though you know your body just can't take it anymore. and the end of it all, you get paid for it! wow! kinda like a bonus sorta. i hope i can feel this way when i actually find a real job. which of course, will come pretty damn soon. a few more weeks, and i'll be job hunting. i really wanted a break ever since i left the military, after seeing everyone 'do nothing and lobo and chill and relax etc' after they get their 'pink ic'. i feel envious, but i also know that i need money to survive, as well as that adrenaline... and sooner or later, i'm gonna break down and crumble. but until then, i'm gonna keep at this. because why? i want to break down. i want to get down on my knees and cry, and say that i can't handle it anymore (which eventually i'll just get the job done and laugh about it afterward) because
what doesn't kill will make you stronger. and also because i've been dying to 'cry properly' (if there's ever a way to actually properly cry) for the longest time. it's quite sad actually... the only tears that i've actually shed for a very very long time is the kind that comes out when you yawn or sneeze or when some dust gets in your eye. so yeah there you go... i'm no s/m freak.
sigh. 1.5 more weeks and it's all over. again. and then i'll probably busy myself with another video due to enter the dv-fest held on 16th oct. i'll need actors and actresses, anyone interested? :)
'go to sleep everything's alright. i close my eyes, then i drift away. into the magic night i softly say, a silent prayer like dreamers do. then i fall asleep with dreams... my dreams of you. with dreams, i walk with you. in dreams, i talk to you. in dreams, you're mine. all of the time. we're together... in dreams.' - roy orbison, in dreams
