The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Saturday, August 12, 2006
-4:58 AM
listening: heart - alone
met someone from a long forgotten past today. and yes, indeed. that past is long forgotten, buried under heaps of new events and situations. she's as gorgeous as she was 4 years ago, the sunlight radiating from her face and with a million dollar smile. time, it seems, did not touch her one bit. lucky her. and as we all did, she grew and matured as well. changing into someone i wish i could be with, but of course, definitely out of my league. then again, i must also point out that i cannot care much for a relationship @ the moment. you'll understand why as i progress on.
we sat there, along with another mutual friend of ours (it was he who actually got in contact with her, and the story continues...) with 2 teas and an orange juice and we spoke on trivial topics like the usual 'what are you doing now?' and 'working life is a bitch' etc etc. and then we naturally progressed into the topic of love-lives and commitments and all that other bullshit. all is not well, it seems, with her own love life, and her tyrannical boyfriend demands her 24/7 (which i might add, would be what i'd agree with 3 years ago. not now though.). that is sad 'innit? everyone has their own life and of course, we all need our space. apparently, not many people understand that. oh and dig this - he proposed. that however, is trivial to how he actually did it - "do you want to apply a flat together?" i mean like... what the fuck man. what happened to romance? what happened to the fanfares and roses and the ring etc etc. god! where have they all gone? even someone as insensative as me could actually want to propose to a girl
properly. how properly? get down on your fucking knees, roses and all, and get a damn ring. of course, that is just basic. cliche. i'd do much more, definitely. the ideal would have to be to propose to her in an empty cathedral (hopefully gothic looking) with the moonlight shining through the stained glass, and that's where i'd serenade her with a piano (that piece of music must be self composed definitely) before actually gettin' down on my knees and so on and so forth. and i certainly won't go 'would you like to apply a hdb flat together?' please.
but then again... it's not gonna be now, and it definitely won't be in the next couple of years.
listening: mr. big - to be with you
cause why? i'm a little terrified of relationships and the problems it brings right now. not just relationships, but also 'falling' for someone. i know the pain, i know the sleepless nights, and although lemmy from motorhead sang about 'the chase being better than the catch', it's a little too troublesome for my lifestyle now. but i'm not exactly basking in the warm sunlight of singlehood right now. there's a void, i won't deny it, but havin that void there sure beats wasting time to solve problems that's a little more than illogical. that kinda time could be better spent finding more money opportunities, hanging out either with my folks or friends, fiddling on my computer or at the worst case, sleeping.
no time. absolutely zip, zilch, zero.
unless of course the girl can actually 'click' with me so well that the problems won't seem like problems at all. i believe that everything, especially in relationships, can be solved through acually talking over it. but sadly, many people second that in words only and not through actions. 'sure? why not? let's talk it out' and then at the end, the entire conversation just becomes fucking one sided. sigh.
i'm not totally faultless too. of course, it takes more than one hand to clap, and to kill someone you actually need a gun and a bullet. although i cannot figure if i'm the former or the latter, i know that i'm probably a little more than just 'cold hearted' and 'unfeeling' for most girls to handle. so yeah, there you go, there's just one of the many black marks i have on my record book. (along with all the 'deflowering trophies' that i've collected along the years. and to tell you the truth, i'm actually quite proud of it.)
listening: reo speedwagon - can't fight this feeling
what i am trying to do, however (fortunately or unfortunately), is to actually relearn how to feel again... from a good friend who's a hopeless romantic. and well... i don't know if i'll succeed, but if i do, i guess my name's gonna get onto the obituaries sometime soon. why? because love kills.
