listening:
apocalyptica - faraway




disclaimer: this is gonna be a long post, and very very honest. so if you ever want to read it, read it to the end and keep an open mind. if you don't wish to, no one has a gun to your head.







this past few days have been the most trying for me and my sanity. sometimes, you just don't know what you're fighting for anymore. yes i'm still stuck on my emotions, if you're wondering. matters of the heart for some. it has become increasingly difficult to continue, to move on, to trudge on through a relationship which somehow leaves you with doubts on whether the opposite party actually acknowledges your presence, your help, your love.

it's hard to love when you don't get loved back.

sure, many could argue that people show love in different ways. but there's always a rule of thumb yes? to show affection, to say 'i love you', to give a hug, a kiss, a peck etc. etc. and without words of encouragement, much less actions, you just don't know if it's worth it anymore. i still want to hold on. she holds a special meaning to me. something which of course, even doubt cannot taint. but when situations present themselves in such an ugly manner, you cannot help but wonder to yourself: is she exclusive to me alone? is she really happy with me?

in the beginning, there were smiles, there were laughter, and of course, there were tears.... but now.. nothing but a barren desert. don't get me wrong, i'm not looking for things to remain as they were before. it would be childish to think so. still... all i wanted was a little affection.

what do i really want?

when you look for someone, look for a relationship... you're looking for someone you can be with, someone you can spend the rest of your days with (not 24/7 definitely) but at least something you can share your joy and your tears with. someone you can be intimate with. someone that... will lend you a shoulder when everything seems to fall apart. is that too much to ask? i'm sure there are tons of people that want more. and to most, the above are just simple criterias.

yeah that's all i want. nothing more.

and perhaps i shouldn't be feeling the way i do, but still i do feel that i'm being left out of the loop somehow. it's not about knowing her whereabouts and stuff. yeah knowing that is great and all... but... it just feels... alone. left out. left behind... in the dust and crying.

and yet, still sometimes i don't feel that way. of course, during the 'sunny' days, it's all about the laughter, the joys, the smiles, the bites, the pinches etc. etc. it's all in the name of fun and love. but there's a lot more to that. an intertwining of feelings and emotions, and we become a unit. two peas in a pod, inseperable (to some extent of course) and i enjoy that security.

and i guess perhaps, we're now down in the rut, and i'm crying to be relieved from this. because my world is crumbling as well. yet, i still have to look it the eye and stay strong. i can't handle this anymore, and sooner or later i'm gonna crack. or perhaps i already am. i don't know if i know who i am anymore. superman saves people from troubles, but who's to save superman when he's in trouble? i'm not putting it in a literal sense.. i'm sure you got what i'm saying. and at the heart of it all, i'm still human. i still feel. i'm not the almighty, all knowing, stone block that doesn't come apart. i'm still a god damn human.

no matter how much i deny it, i'm still... human. perhaps even more human, than human.

all i want is to feel appreciated for all the things i've done, tried, going to do, feeling etc.

all i want is a little care. a little concern. a little love.

all i want is a place to rest my head and call it home.

because i'm tired of this world. i'm tired of people looking at me, expecting me to fuck up. i'm tired of looking over my shoulder, hoping that someone isn't gonna stab me in the back. i'm tired of being careful of what i'm gonna say.

i'm just tired. i'm weary.

am i already broken? i don't know.
am i already crying? perhaps.
have i given up on life? perhaps.
are there two voices in your head right now? yes. more than two in fact.

ending my life, is not an option anymore... sad but true. so that option is out.

the only way i see it possible to run back into seclusion. 're-open' the 'komputer hell cabin'. re-open my spaceship and hide inside. seeing not a soul. to live in my own world... once again. just like how it was many a years ago.

but so many things still continue holding me back. there's so much in this life which i've grown attached to. but the problem is: are they attached to me?

will you cry if i'm gone?
will you ask me back if i leave?

i guess i just want to feel 'wanted' - not by just anyone (because i wouldn't feel a god damn thing), but by the very person that i love and care about.

and i just hope that things will get better.









if not i might just pull the trigger on my own brain.








yours sincerely,
marcus
1413hrs, april 12th 2007


ps. hey god, if you're reading this, i hope that you'll do something about my life. perhaps turn it around for the better? i'll buy you coffee. i promise.