The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
-12:23 PM
listening:
linkin park - pts of athrty (crystal method remix)
so well... i saw a little of the sun. a tiny little glimpse of hope. and then i fell back into the darkness once again. and then again, i had a little difficulty catching my breath. just one of those things that happens when the world crushes on you. it's perfect isn't it? perhaps sometimes i feel that death is a release. and you feel you could just jump right off the ledge and perhaps land on your face. that could mean a sudden death, but at least a relief from the pressure, the stress, the tears, the heartache, the pain... the hurt.
so at the end of it all... what does it all mean? i wouldn't know. this is not familiar territory to me anymore. i don't know what is this i feel. i've never felt like that before. a nice little combination of love, hate and self-pity. well.. great isn't it? how long can you hold on when someone is pushing you away and there are a couple more people willing to open their inviting arms (and legs) to you? it's a little difficult, definitely. and quite honestly, i don't know know how much i can hold on. it seems that i'm being taken for granted already. that now, my presence is not treasured but rather, expected. and of course it hurts, god damn it. you're there for someone because you care for the person, not because you HAVE to be there. i'm here because i wanted to be here. and i feel that the opposite party just thinks i SHOULD be here. that i'm doing all these things because it's something i SHOULD be doing.
did i mention that i'm being taken for granted here?
yes i am. i probably am.
and my practicalities are screaming, my head is screaming, only my heart is remaining resolute. how long can the heart hold out against a screaming head?
why stay with someone that you have no clue whether she cares for you or not? doesn't she seem to care more about the rest of world? you're just there... probably a toy to her. does she love you at all?
you know, quite frankly, i don't know the answers to these questions. i don't know. and although i sometimes believe that ignorance is bliss... this is definitely not the case. well.. i think i'm just gonna give this a couple more weeks and see if things get better. if not i'm gonna pull the plug on it and move on. since it seems that she's not putting in any effort in this at all... or at least that's what it seems to me.
i hope i don't hurt myself to a point i become numb.
