The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Monday, May 07, 2007
-5:24 PM
i'm feeling fucked up. that's it, yeah fucked up. when everything comes, it comes together. in big batches. the shit HAS hit the fan for me. i've had enough. my life was more logical, and easier to manage without this.
my mind is a whirl. i don't know what else i can do. and quite frankly my emotions is not the only one taking the tumble. i think my relationship is falling apart too! well, i wouldn't know but it fucking seems like it to me. but right about now, it just needs a little push and i'll pull the fucking plug. yeah that's right. try me. why? don't know. no reason. it just seems she doesn't care. and right about now i've stopped believing in coincidences. there's no coincidence, only fate, only consequences for actions which have been done or have not been done. what's those that have been done? she has hurt me. what has not been done? she failed to show she cared. and in the midst of all the chaos, i'm still caring for her. my friends think i'm an idiot. it's playing out exactly the same as the previous... i spoil her, she takes me for granted and i end up hurting. maybe i wasn't made to run a relationship. because it seems that everything else i can handle, everything and anything. because everything else just requires a logical and sensible brain. but as for emotions? no. there's no such thing as logic in it. and i hate to run parallels, because everyone and every situation is fucking different but there seems to be some similarities to everything that has happened before.
i'm starting to believe that old saying: women, can't live with them, can't live without them. well, i've lived without a woman before. i just ended up having many. which wasn't so bad, but i just didn't feel loved. what's the difference here? i only feel loved when she wants to love me. and i'm always the one to compromise. what the fuck is that? a one-sided affair? it's like having a relationship with a cat. when it needs you, it'll come clawing and meowing... when it doesn't it'll just wander off on it's own. where's the security in that? well... that's for animals, but i need some sense of security as well goddamn it.
i've 2 options in sight: end it and bury myself in a flurry of work and continue my climb to the top, faster than ever before. second, is to stick my head down in the gutter and continue in this relationship.
don't get me wrong, i do love her and i still do. it's hard not to really. i've already fallen deep. but unlike the previous situation, i left a backdoor for myself which i can run to anytime, anywhere. if not, i'll be more hurt than angry right now. i'd probably be crying... oh no no. i've shed my last tear. there's not gonna be anymore.
are you ready for the new shit?
too bad if you aren't. cause marcus, is about to evolve again.
