The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Monday, May 14, 2007
-2:39 PM
listening:
marilyn manson - putting holes in happiness
sometimes it feels like it's there, sometimes it isn't. still i've decided to stick to my guns and still continue on.
sometimes, i just don't understand people in general. when everyone wants to get the hell out of the awful world of the underground, some people just wanna jump right in. you think it's fun? you think it's glorious? to be able to tell people that you've been through that hell hole? boy, you're so wrong. i sometimes, would wish that i hadn't have to go through what i did. but i don't have a choice do i? that was my past. now all i want to do is make good of my life. and yet, you think that joining the underground is the next road you think you should walk.
'never tread where angels dread'
i know to myself that i'm no angel. and since birth, i've been scarred to walk this road of loneliness, emptiness and pain. you don't know what the fuck i've been through and here you are spouting shit about how you think you should be 'bad'? you should be counting your fucking chickens and be happy that your life is sheltered and good. yeah sure, life ain't no bed of roses, but at least your thorns pierce less painfully than mine.
you know drugs? you know the blood which i've shed? you know the pain which i've felt? the countless tears which i've cried? the things i've seen with my own fucking two eyes? you don't. no one will ever know. and i intend to keep it that way.
sure of course, what i've seen ain't the worse. but up to this day, i know of no one... and i mean no-fucking-one that has felt the pain which i have. you wanna experience that, you walking piece of maggot infested meat? you know what it means to have the entire world forsake you? to leave you with nothing but your thoughts and the ever eminent suicidal tendencies? when the sun rises and sets, and you're still left there standing, alone with no one (not even your friends) to support you, no one to lend you a shoulder to cry on. you must think that this is fun isn't it? that it's all a 'different' experience and you want to feel it all. well, i'll see you in 6-8 years and well, you can tell me all about it. that is... if, of course it doesn't kill you first.
i've died and have been resurrected countless times before. the naive and goody-two-shoes boy is no longer around anymore. all that's left is this person that is here, cursing and swearing at you for wanting to make a ridiculous decision.
well, still i'd love for you to go through it. for there is one thing i know: you'll never know the magnitude which i have suffered. why? simply because your life is sheltered. and your age is different. you can now, walk and think, and work etc. try going back in time when you're 16 and go through everything which have tormented me up to this day.
i've only 2 fucking words for you boy: good luck.
drugs, alcohol, self-mutilation, heavy metal, moshing, ketamine, marijuana, absinthe, blood, tears, goth, darkness, graveyards, loneliness, emptiness, black fingernails, mascara, sex, liquid eyeliners, car crashes, stabbing, hurt, schizophrenia, prozac, dormicum, beatings, techno, late nights, sunrise, sunset, drowning, death, vulgarities, industrial, left behind...
..and everything else in between. feel that. feel that motherfucker. and tell me if you want my world.
if you still do, you're not worthy.
