The Kill
what if i wanted to break
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor
couldn't take all this anymore
what would you do?
i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change
i know now, this is who i really am inside
falling from myself
falling for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am
kill
break me down
bury me, bury me
i am finished with you
look in my eyes
you're killing me, killing me
all I wanted was you
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
-3:03 AM
listening:
armin van buuren (feat. eller van buuren) - white sands & zocalo (live @ ahoy rotterdam)
why am i still awake? i'm waiting for a call actually. a call which i think i will not get. and it seems like a futile effort already. i don't understand why i'm doing this. my mind is screaming at me for being this dumb. my heart is still following it's course.
why am i doing this? does she know that i care? does she even care about me at all? when i saw her walk away in the distance and not even waiting for me, it hurts like fuck. and why did i have to stop? because i was concerned for her dad and was gonna get some.. well.. essence of fish or something like that. i remembered. i bothered to remember. and all i'm gettin' is this in the end.
she's supposedly speaking to her mom now and well, she's also not feeling to good which she probably took her medication and fell asleep. so here i am, trying to be a good boyfriend and trying to understand. i don't know why i always have to be the understanding one. it has happened to 3 other girlfriends of mine and now this. the 4th. why. why. why. still i can hear my friends telling me that i'm a stupid motherfucker for putting everything so early so soon. well, the only comfort is that if it fails, i know i tried.
and they said that i've slimmed down dramatically. yes, indeed i have. and i probably know it deep down inside. why? because i'm fucking stressed out that's why. the only staple diet i have is coffee and cigarettes. i'm stressed over cash, money, work, relationships, my future, my life and where i'm headed. why? because i want a good life for my wife-to-be. yes, i love her that much. i wonder if she loves me the same way? if she does, then she probably doesn't show it. i don't know why. why has this come down to me? is my life really destined to be doomed by love? should i just break away from all of these?
yes, alot of questions i'm asking myself.
can't live with love, can't live without love. i'm a helpless romantic. and i don't know why. maybe i don't know myself as well as i think i do. so this... is my desperate plea for help. anyone, anything, any god-like thing, any devil-being, save me from this. i can't hold out much longer. i've been holding out for a couple of weeks... months maybe. i've lost count. and i'm still trying my best to hold on. if i slip off, where will i be? at the bottom of the well... with nothing but emptiness once more.
it's familiar.
can't she just understand? can't she just know that how i feel? or does she only care for her own? has she seen another that's better than me? has all the love i've given out come down to nothing? it takes a lifetime to build up that love... and it'll take only a minute to tear it down. just like that. that's what it feels like to me. it feels fragile. and i feel somewhat damaged. everytime, it's like stepping on a minefield. you don't know when shit's gonna blow up in your face. yet i still continue through that minefield. hoping that i'll come out clean on the otherside. if andy dufresne can crawl through 5 football fields of shit then i probably can do this too.
i just want a little care and concern back... is that too much to ask? i just want a little love every now and then. is that being too demanding?
and still i sit here, waiting for that phonecall i know i'll never receive.
-marcus, june 12th 07, 3.20am
